For my memoir, Jeremy's comment helped my revision process because he suggested that I work on the structure of my story so it could be more effective in the emotions of the readers. Therefore, I am working on using enjambment in my writing as well as the use of punctuation to create pauses and anticipation in my writing :).
“The comment about the dad being distanced by things more than just physical distance was so powerful”
I really took this comment into consideration whilst revising my piece because, while my piece had a bit of comparison between the physical and the spiritual/metaphorical, it could easily go further in regards to these comparisons.
"This provides some insight on the story you are telling. Perhaps you are at a funeral?"
In addition to one line of my sonnet which I already knew I would have to change (as I made up the word "soaken" to rhyme and keep meter with "broken"), this comment, along with the others I received from my tablemates, helped me to work on clarifying the setting of my poem by adding more concrete wording as opposed to relying solely on metaphor. This aided in working this moment more into the overarching theme of my other chosen moments and will make my anthology more pointed towards my thesis.
"I really liked your use of repetition; it really helped to enhance the feeling of joy you experienced when you got accepted into Beacon." Conner's comment praised my use of repetition made the event very relate- able to a beacon student. Neither of my table mates gave me any criticism or things I needed to work on --- they said the way I assembled the poem made the moment very clear and easy to grasp with the use of imagery and repetition.
"I love your use of rhyme – so cool! It works beautifully and really allows your poem to flow. I also think the repetition of ‘they are all gone away’ and ‘there is nothing more to say’ is so awesome and it really establishes a certain mood/ tone in your poem. Maybe you could even personify the house if you wanted to? Awesome job!"
This comment really helped me see that my rhymes were being understood, but also that I need to work on personification and giving an attitude or mood towards the objects in my piece. I think that if I use repetition to describe the scenery, I can really bring out the character of my piece.
"I love how you used metaphors to convey your message more, but add more to the memoir or specify because then the message will be more clear"
This comment from one of my table members helped me a lot because I used more metaphors to specify. Knowing exactly what was vague about my memoir made me zoom in on certain objects and personify them. I also described the people mentioned and characterize them so that you could tell how I felt about them at that time.
"This poem is really powerful, so it might be nice to end it with a strong final line. Unless the understatedness of it was purposeful, I would recommend lending more emotion to your concluding sentence."
My poem ended with a simple sentence that went against the heavy influence of metaphors and imagery throughout the poem. Although I might have ended the poem that way intentionally, the sentence still needed to be changed. It flowed better to continue with the same idea. I also received suggestions of the use of contractions. I decided that although it flowed better with the description of images and colors, I purposely wanted to create that abrupt feeling with contractions.
"I really like the progression of the poem and how it kind of lays out the season as well as the building emotions you were feeling. I also like the repetition of the last line which provides a sense of community/family within the team. Maybe explain the change that happened between the feeling of defeat and the practice the next day, why was it different?"
This comment really helped me a lot because my table member was able to identify something that I needed to clear up/write more about in order to give the reader a better sense of what the team was feeling.
When we were talking about the meanings behind our poems as a group, someone got a totally different message out of my poem than I had intended. While I loved that my words meant such different things to the two of us, I specified the moment I was writing about in my edits so that my readers could get the true story I am trying to convey.
"When you say "reminds me of myself" are you hinting that you aren't that person anymore?" This comment helped me make things a bit clearer about the emotions of the character, but I kept it a bit ambiguous to leave some of it up for interpretation. I didn't realize the effect that that specific line would have on the reader, so it was interesting getting feedback on it.
"Your repetition of #JacobIsTheOne is humorous. It's clear how much 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' means to you; what you learned once you read it. I wouldn't change too much since this is a pantoum and one edit may rupture the rest of the poem."
I appreciated this comment because I know that while I have gotten my message across, I need to be careful with what I am or am not going to expand on. I realize after reading these comments I should focus on a more personal, specific moment; I'm still thrilled that my group liked it, however.
I was not in class so I didn't receive feedback, but i read and revised it myself. I wanted to capture more images that truly showed the scene and conveyed feeling, without being too explicit- the spirit of imagism. This is so hard because I care so much about how these moments make me feel and I fear misunderstandings. But that's poetry! So I worked on extending the image of two chairs and what that meant- whether the chairs are us, or just comfort, or something more. I figured this out for myself in order to work on the image. I am still having trouble and it still needs work.
"I feel like with the “because high school…” line, it could be altered in a way to match the rest of the poems stile"
This comment was very helpful because I was able to change the wording/ tone of the line to make it flow more smoothly, while keeping the same mood throughout the poem.
" I like the metaphor that you crated either the pineapple, but it can be stronger"
This comment was sort of the end to a larger comment that basically said the I could make my metaphors stronger through specific word choice. So, for my revisions I chose words that held a certain meaning in order to convey my overall message clearly.
"I think that, for your piece, it would be particularly effective if you used a bit of repetition. It could definitely act as a way to reaffirm your acceptance of who you are as an individual. Alliteration may also help your piece."
This helped me include certain elements into my poem to make it more meaningful and work better with the original idea that I had. After changing my poem it sounded much better and made much more sense since I repeated some of the same messages.
I received the comment that I should attempt to continue to incorporate "I" throughout all of my haiku and see how it improves. I tried this and I think it really added to the poems overall impact/message with this element of repetition.
"I love how you personified the ocean. it was a great line. the only advice I have is to expound more on the actual moment. Show the power dynamic, don't tell it."
This comment helped me reconsider my word choice in order to attempt to make the reader feel how I felt without having to give too much away using unnecessary words.
"and I really likehe way that you use the “owl” eyes to show the lies and arrogance that usually comes with school orientations." I used this comment to expand the cocky nature of the schools themselves, adding an odd twist in the middle with the shot of the smiling administrator
"I loved your use of opposites, the polarity really furthers your message and adds some cool concepts to your poem." I didn't really think of the opposition of some of the words I used as much of anything, but when talking about love, self love, and beauty Sara's comment helped me see that its actually a very useful tool, and ill continue that with the other pieces in the anthology
I got the comment that my piece needed to develop in terms of plot. Overall, this comment made my poem sound more logical in terms of the storytelling nature.
My advice was to develop it a little more because the end seemed to come too soon. This was helpful because it allowed me to see how to make it easier for the reader to relate to.
"-I would have to agree; your use of allusion was phenomenal but I feel as though you could expand upon the idea of their love."
I would have to admit that my poem was incomplete. I expounded on the poem using a well as a symbol to better physicalize the search for love in a the black community.
Comment: " I agree that the juxtaposition is interesting. I think it could be cool to experiment wit the sound of words to further this dichotomy. In the section describing the dark, try using cacophony to make the feeling even more ominous. You can further the contrast by using one element in the first section and directly opposing it in the second section.'
- I tried applying this to my poem by adding another stanza rather than changing things up a little and it did ended up a little ehh at the end. Also tried playing around with words to see if I can also pull that through but I didn't like the way it worked. I have to admit, it was challenging.
For my memoir, Jeremy's comment helped my revision process because he suggested that I work on the structure of my story so it could be more effective in the emotions of the readers. Therefore, I am working on using enjambment in my writing as well as the use of punctuation to create pauses and anticipation in my writing :).
ReplyDelete“The comment about the dad being distanced by things more than just physical distance was so powerful”
ReplyDeleteI really took this comment into consideration whilst revising my piece because, while my piece had a bit of comparison between the physical and the spiritual/metaphorical, it could easily go further in regards to these comparisons.
"This provides some insight on the story you are telling. Perhaps you are at a funeral?"
ReplyDeleteIn addition to one line of my sonnet which I already knew I would have to change (as I made up the word "soaken" to rhyme and keep meter with "broken"), this comment, along with the others I received from my tablemates, helped me to work on clarifying the setting of my poem by adding more concrete wording as opposed to relying solely on metaphor. This aided in working this moment more into the overarching theme of my other chosen moments and will make my anthology more pointed towards my thesis.
"I really liked your use of repetition; it really helped to enhance the feeling of joy you experienced when you got accepted into Beacon."
ReplyDeleteConner's comment praised my use of repetition made the event very relate- able to a beacon student. Neither of my table mates gave me any criticism or things I needed to work on --- they said the way I assembled the poem made the moment very clear and easy to grasp with the use of imagery and repetition.
"I love your use of rhyme – so cool! It works beautifully and really allows your poem to flow. I also think the repetition of ‘they are all gone away’ and ‘there is nothing more to say’ is so awesome and it really establishes a certain mood/ tone in your poem. Maybe you could even personify the house if you wanted to? Awesome job!"
ReplyDeleteThis comment really helped me see that my rhymes were being understood, but also that I need to work on personification and giving an attitude or mood towards the objects in my piece. I think that if I use repetition to describe the scenery, I can really bring out the character of my piece.
"I love how you used metaphors to convey your message more, but add more to the memoir or specify because then the message will be more clear"
ReplyDeleteThis comment from one of my table members helped me a lot because I used more metaphors to specify. Knowing exactly what was vague about my memoir made me zoom in on certain objects and personify them. I also described the people mentioned and characterize them so that you could tell how I felt about them at that time.
"This poem is really powerful, so it might be nice to end it with a strong final line. Unless the understatedness of it was purposeful, I would recommend lending more emotion to your concluding sentence."
ReplyDeleteMy poem ended with a simple sentence that went against the heavy influence of metaphors and imagery throughout the poem. Although I might have ended the poem that way intentionally, the sentence still needed to be changed. It flowed better to continue with the same idea. I also received suggestions of the use of contractions. I decided that although it flowed better with the description of images and colors, I purposely wanted to create that abrupt feeling with contractions.
"I really like the progression of the poem and how it kind of lays out the season as well as the building emotions you were feeling. I also like the repetition of the last line which provides a sense of community/family within the team. Maybe explain the change that happened between the feeling of defeat and the practice the next day, why was it different?"
ReplyDeleteThis comment really helped me a lot because my table member was able to identify something that I needed to clear up/write more about in order to give the reader a better sense of what the team was feeling.
When we were talking about the meanings behind our poems as a group, someone got a totally different message out of my poem than I had intended. While I loved that my words meant such different things to the two of us, I specified the moment I was writing about in my edits so that my readers could get the true story I am trying to convey.
ReplyDelete"When you say "reminds me of myself" are you hinting that you aren't that person anymore?"
ReplyDeleteThis comment helped me make things a bit clearer about the emotions of the character, but I kept it a bit ambiguous to leave some of it up for interpretation. I didn't realize the effect that that specific line would have on the reader, so it was interesting getting feedback on it.
"Your repetition of #JacobIsTheOne is humorous. It's clear how much 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' means to you; what you learned once you read it. I wouldn't change too much since this is a pantoum and one edit may rupture the rest of the poem."
ReplyDeleteI appreciated this comment because I know that while I have gotten my message across, I need to be careful with what I am or am not going to expand on. I realize after reading these comments I should focus on a more personal, specific moment; I'm still thrilled that my group liked it, however.
I was not in class so I didn't receive feedback, but i read and revised it myself. I wanted to capture more images that truly showed the scene and conveyed feeling, without being too explicit- the spirit of imagism. This is so hard because I care so much about how these moments make me feel and I fear misunderstandings. But that's poetry! So I worked on extending the image of two chairs and what that meant- whether the chairs are us, or just comfort, or something more. I figured this out for myself in order to work on the image. I am still having trouble and it still needs work.
ReplyDelete"I feel like with the “because high school…” line, it could be altered in a way to match the rest of the poems stile"
ReplyDeleteThis comment was very helpful because I was able to change the wording/ tone of the line to make it flow more smoothly, while keeping the same mood throughout the poem.
" I like the metaphor that you crated either the pineapple, but it can be stronger"
ReplyDeleteThis comment was sort of the end to a larger comment that basically said the I could make my metaphors stronger through specific word choice. So, for my revisions I chose words that held a certain meaning in order to convey my overall message clearly.
"I think that, for your piece, it would be particularly effective if you used a bit of repetition. It could definitely act as a way to reaffirm your acceptance of who you are as an individual. Alliteration may also help your piece."
ReplyDeleteThis helped me include certain elements into my poem to make it more meaningful and work better with the original idea that I had. After changing my poem it sounded much better and made much more sense since I repeated some of the same messages.
I received the comment that I should attempt to continue to incorporate "I" throughout all of my haiku and see how it improves. I tried this and I think it really added to the poems overall impact/message with this element of repetition.
ReplyDeleteI received a comment that I needed to develop my idea a little more in my poem. I tried doing this and it helped my poem expand
ReplyDelete"I love how you personified the ocean. it was a great line. the only advice I have is to expound more on the actual moment. Show the power dynamic, don't tell it."
ReplyDeleteThis comment helped me reconsider my word choice in order to attempt to make the reader feel how I felt without having to give too much away using unnecessary words.
"and I really likehe way that you use the “owl” eyes to show the lies and arrogance that usually comes with school orientations."
ReplyDeleteI used this comment to expand the cocky nature of the schools themselves, adding an odd twist in the middle with the shot of the smiling administrator
"I loved your use of opposites, the polarity really furthers your message and adds some cool concepts to your poem."
ReplyDeleteI didn't really think of the opposition of some of the words I used as much of anything, but when talking about love, self love, and beauty Sara's comment helped me see that its actually a very useful tool, and ill continue that with the other pieces in the anthology
I got the comment that my piece needed to develop in terms of plot. Overall, this comment made my poem sound more logical in terms of the storytelling nature.
ReplyDeleteMy advice was to develop it a little more because the end seemed to come too soon. This was helpful because it allowed me to see how to make it easier for the reader to relate to.
ReplyDelete"-I would have to agree; your use of allusion was phenomenal but I feel as though you could expand upon the idea of their love."
ReplyDeleteI would have to admit that my poem was incomplete. I expounded on the poem using a well as a symbol to better physicalize the search for love in a the black community.
Comment: " I agree that the juxtaposition is interesting. I think it could be cool to experiment wit the sound of words to further this dichotomy. In the section describing the dark, try using cacophony to make the feeling even more ominous. You can further the contrast by using one element in the first section and directly opposing it in the second section.'
ReplyDelete- I tried applying this to my poem by adding another stanza rather than changing things up a little and it did ended up a little ehh at the end. Also tried playing around with words to see if I can also pull that through but I didn't like the way it worked. I have to admit, it was challenging.