Finish revising your poem, using the 5-finger punch method
Blog #6: post a line from your poem that was a 2, and the revised 3-level version (from the 5-finger punch method)
METHOD:
- FIVE FINGER PUNCH
- STEP 1: write down 3 things that your poem definitely IS
- STEP 2: write down 3 things that your poem definitely is NOT
**COPY/PASTE YOUR POEM INTO A NEW DOCUMENT, AND TITLED IT AS A REVISED VERSION (DON’T CHANGE OR THROW OUT THE ORIGINAL)
- STEP 3: Read through your poem, and rate each line from 1-3 (1=irrelevant to what you said your poem IS, or it focuses on what your poem IS NOT, or it’s fluff; 3=highly relevant, important and/or beautiful)
- STEP 4: Remove the 1’s
- STEP 5: Turn the 2’s into 3’s: circle the most important words in the line, and find more creative/poetic ways to say them.
"You have to get out of bed and get dressed." - original
ReplyDeleteClimbing out of my dreamy bubble, only
To be faced with the contemplation of how to prepare for encounters with others.
“The doorway back to childhood now is closed and locked with a keyless latch”
ReplyDeleteI had thrown together this line when I needed a rhyme for “match”, but it just sounded clunky and awkward within my poem.
To revise it, I underlined “doorway”, “closed and locked”, and “keyless latch”.
“The gateway back to childhood is now bolted shut and bound with an impermeable chain”
We carried the load they were scared to
ReplyDeleteWe hauled the burden that haunted their sacred thoughts.
Like water in a river - Original
ReplyDeleteLike the intertwining droplets of the sky flowing into a stream
Falling into a river too wide - Original
Succumbing into a waterfall of great existence
"Before you could stop and think"-Original
ReplyDelete"Before you could come to a halt and take a dive into the depths of your consciousness"-Revised
Smile to keep secrets
ReplyDeleteLips curled to guard what's ours
And I learned that she was never happy
ReplyDeleteAnd I accepted that she was rarely ever going to be a ray of sunshine, her beauty was ever only shown in the dark of night, when everyone else was sleeping. She was the moon.
"In March, our breath solidifies in front of us"
ReplyDelete"The March freeze steals the soft air"
I sit up and get ready for battle
ReplyDeleteRevised: I arise and prepare for the clash between armies
"He was in a constant shiver, banging his fist against his head as he tried to regain himself"
ReplyDeleteRevised: 'He constantly quaked, hitting over and over, trying to become himself again"
"I walk in the room"
ReplyDeleteRevised: "I cross the threshold of the cast-iron gates"
There must be something wrong with me
ReplyDeleteThis reveals my imperfections
Original : A word can change your life
ReplyDeleteRevised : A sound would make a difference to your perfect picture of the world.
original: "Banging boxes coming back into my life"
ReplyDeleterevised: Banging boxes, butting their way back into my serenity
original: Disbelief shot through my body as I tried to respond to this fantasy
ReplyDeleteRevised: Disbelief filled me as I tried to respond to this happiness:
Original: You had sleek, beautiful black hair which was shining.
ReplyDeleteRevised: You retained wonderous vines that sprouted from your domepiece in the limelight
"I would realize that some things are too good to be true" -original
ReplyDelete"I would learn to accept that some things are too holy to be real for me"
First thing we do is stretch-- funny
ReplyDeleteright?
The initial step is to expand our muscles-- humorous one might say
Change "comes up" to "rises"
ReplyDeleteChange "dances" to "serenades"
This further enhances the motif of the beach
(Yes yes, a little late)
The "holidays" are cancelled, people just can't go
ReplyDeleteNobody can escape