#1 (due Tues, March 1): how you used peer feedback, to revise
Blog #1: post one or more comments, that you received from your peers during conferencing, that you thought were especially helpful (praise or criticism), and what you changed about your story, based on those comments.
"The abrupt ending was really interesting but I feel like you could possibly put it more into detail on Edward’s mysteriousness. More visual descriptions could be helpful to the plot of the story."
Due to this constructive criticism, I now know that I need to include more detail of the surroundings of my character. I think the best way to do that will be to include the colors of things he uses everyday, such as his apartment. By doing so, a connection could be made between his personality and his surroundings.
"I think the language you use to make this character come to life is great. I'm not seeing as much plot, though."
I realized this statement was true by the time I had given my short story to my table mate. I know what it is I want to talk about, what I want my protagonist to go through and make it out of, but I will try adjusting my focus from the voice to the storyline.
"Explore further why he decides to stay. The reader is interested to know why, even in such a weird situation, he still hangs on to the dream of America."
This really helped me to bring my story to a close because initially, I felt as though I lacked a clear ending in my head. I had to look a bit deeper into my protagonist's persona in order to establish a proper conclusion.
I got a comment that someone liked the mystery I put into one sentence, but there wasn't supposed to be a mystery at all. This let me know I had to go back and add more background detail so that the reader didn't feel like they were supposed to be solving something that wasn't there.
"I think you should lead into it a little…is your character relaxed at sbucks? Why is she involved in the taking of this bag?" This comment helped me develop my protagonist more, because I was not giving a lot of inner narrative. So I used that and the other characters around her to create more of a detailed story.
"This perhaps reads as a bit like exposition. If that isn’t the intention, I would follow your previous trend of adding some of the details about her backstory more subtly, and let the reader figure it out themselves."
I sneaked in details that allowed my reader to discover her backstory. My character is dependent on her dead twin brother and uses him as an imaginary figure. Instead of saying the latter, I have her talking to her twin brother and she overhears a kid asking his mom why is she talking to herself.
I got a comment suggesting that I give my narrator more personality and bias. I think this changed my story in a way that made it more interesting. I experimented with giving my narrator specific feelings about the events in the story and the characters as well. This gave the narrator a personality and almost made them a character themselves in the story. This changed the narrative a bit as well, as it forced me to write things in that justified the narrator's opinions. For example, the boyfriend that my narrator hates needed a reason for his being so despicable. It forced me to think deeper about my characters and their relationships to one another.
"Interesting detail. Maybe develop this more. I can’t tell if she’s extroverted or introverted."
This helped me develop my character way more than I had before, giving her a backstory that wasn't there before. It also ended up creating a completely different ending that I wasn't thinking of at all.
Someone gave me a comment telling me to make little things that the protagonist sees on the plane a reminder of something in the past. I liked this idea and it helped me move the plot along and connect pieces of his characterization to show how he would react in a plane crash. I like this idea because it doesn't keep the story chronological and forces the reader to pay attention to what is happening.
"Your character seems like a complete psychopath. But, you should try to explain his childhood and why he may be as crazy as he is."
This comment helped me develop my character further as well as helped me get a feel and create new ideas for my story. My goal is to make my character cringe worthy and his childhood as well.
"You leave open a lot of room for interpretation, which could be a good thing. That can make various people relate to such a difficult story. Great writing!" Comments conveyed an interest in the story although in a normal-ish environment but with a character and situation that made the story challenging and difficult. With a few minor grammar mistakes I was able to revise the piece.
"I love that your story is funny, but i think you need to develop your characters a little better.Make it clear through their personality why they act the way they do." This comment helped me develop my characters better by sharing outside info about them and gave me ideas on how to complete my story. This comment helped me give the reader a better view on my main character along with the narrator.
"I like the way your narrator clearly has an opinion and a relationship with Lyla, but you could make it clearer by adding more narrator POV towards the end of the story. Also, who is your narrator? The first person POV of the narrator is a little confusing bc it’s almost hearing about the story from someone who wasn’t there"
This helped me identify that I needed to add more to my story. I have a whole backstory to my narrator that only I am aware of. This tells me my story isn't over because I need to make my story more clear.
she's a crazy person! You've already done this really well, but maybe make her even more absurd. The more absurd the better, and also it will make more sense, surprisingly
I was told that the character could be more far-fetched. Taking that as more bizarre, I just made her sense of judgement even poorer
“this was really interesting because you start the story off with Roxy seeming very shy and mellow, and this sudden outburst of anger allows us to see your character as a multifaceted human being”
With the comments I received, I focused my characterization by editing down my beginning and clarifying subtle details that point to qualities that would later become apparent. Knowing that writing this piece is an exercise in short story telling, my group's comments helped me to bring up key details about my character earlier in my narrative. Without the long build up, I was able to consolidate a number of rambling plot limes into one cohesive story.
Winston’s misconception of “unconditional love” allows his relationship with Julia to crumble under the pressure of the party, demonstrating how the belief in something impure can be broken in ways real love can not be. Winston believed that he had real, unconditional love with Julia since their feelings for eachother started to develop fast. When starting his relationship with Julia, Winston had animalistic instincts towards her that brought many sexual desires and encounters. But as their relationship went on, Winston’s started to have the misconception that he actually has unconditional love with her. For instance, while Winston was looking at the paperweight, it is described as “through the surface of the glass had been the arch of the sky, enclosing a tiny world with its atmosphere complete” (Orwell 147). In unconditional love, there is no selfish or hidden desires that causes harm to loved ones. Because Winston has selfish desires, he starts saying that Julia “has become a physical necessity, something that he not only wanted but felt that he had a right to” (Orwell 139). This is not a form of unconditional love since this type love doesnt have people feeling that they have the right to own another person. It is shown here that Winston has selfish desires hidden under the lie about his belief that he has “unconditional love” with Julia. The paper weights glass transparency demonstrates the clarity of unconditional love when protected external forces in order to keep it pure and untainted from selfishness. The paperweight holds a world where it is very simple to see inside. When looking at the paperweight, Winston observes, “the inexhaustibly interesting thing was not the fragment of coral but the interior of the glass itself [where there] was so much depth...and yet it was almost as transparent as air ” (Orwell 147). This glass of the interior is a shield protecting the fragment of cora where nothing harmful can come and try to attack it. The glass paperweight reveals similarity to unconditional love, where all actions in this love are transparent and demonstration of hidden desires. -jolien's story
" you need to work own sharpening your character" This really helped me reevaluate who my main character was and how I could better portray him in my stories. It also made me realize that I had some inconsistencies regarding what my character would actually do.
Comment: "I love how your character is clearly in a rough place and has internal battles with themselves, but I think you should use more poetic devices to improve showing this, like repetition." This helped the development of my narrative because in trying to add more reputation into my writing to portray the characters indecisiveness with themselves, I also managed to involve the voice of my character in it and their thoughts. I feel like this gives the reader a better chance of being able to connect with the character on a deeper level especially if they're experiencing the same thing.
"I think it would be very interesting to see what the character says vs what's going on in his mind and if he is really expressing the way he feels." I added some dialogue for the character to show that he doesn't say whats on his mind, he just says what his wife wants to hear.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"The abrupt ending was really interesting but I feel like you could possibly put it more into detail on Edward’s mysteriousness. More visual descriptions could be helpful to the plot of the story."
ReplyDeleteDue to this constructive criticism, I now know that I need to include more detail of the surroundings of my character. I think the best way to do that will be to include the colors of things he uses everyday, such as his apartment. By doing so, a connection could be made between his personality and his surroundings.
"I like your use of the heat metaphor. You should add and enhance this"
ReplyDeleteI took this metaphor and used it throughout my story, adding another level of depth to my story.
"I think the language you use to make this character come to life is great. I'm not seeing as much plot, though."
ReplyDeleteI realized this statement was true by the time I had given my short story to my table mate. I know what it is I want to talk about, what I want my protagonist to go through and make it out of, but I will try adjusting my focus from the voice to the storyline.
"Explore further why he decides to stay. The reader is interested to know why, even in such a weird situation, he still hangs on to the dream of America."
ReplyDeleteThis really helped me to bring my story to a close because initially, I felt as though I lacked a clear ending in my head. I had to look a bit deeper into my protagonist's persona in order to establish a proper conclusion.
I got a comment that someone liked the mystery I put into one sentence, but there wasn't supposed to be a mystery at all. This let me know I had to go back and add more background detail so that the reader didn't feel like they were supposed to be solving something that wasn't there.
ReplyDelete"I think you should lead into it a little…is your character relaxed at sbucks? Why is she involved in the taking of this bag?"
ReplyDeleteThis comment helped me develop my protagonist more, because I was not giving a lot of inner narrative. So I used that and the other characters around her to create more of a detailed story.
"This perhaps reads as a bit like exposition. If that isn’t the intention, I would follow your previous trend of adding some of the details about her backstory more subtly, and let the reader figure it out themselves."
ReplyDeleteI sneaked in details that allowed my reader to discover her backstory. My character is dependent on her dead twin brother and uses him as an imaginary figure. Instead of saying the latter, I have her talking to her twin brother and she overhears a kid asking his mom why is she talking to herself.
I got a comment suggesting that I give my narrator more personality and bias. I think this changed my story in a way that made it more interesting. I experimented with giving my narrator specific feelings about the events in the story and the characters as well. This gave the narrator a personality and almost made them a character themselves in the story. This changed the narrative a bit as well, as it forced me to write things in that justified the narrator's opinions. For example, the boyfriend that my narrator hates needed a reason for his being so despicable. It forced me to think deeper about my characters and their relationships to one another.
ReplyDelete"Interesting detail. Maybe develop this more. I can’t tell if she’s extroverted or introverted."
ReplyDeleteThis helped me develop my character way more than I had before, giving her a backstory that wasn't there before. It also ended up creating a completely different ending that I wasn't thinking of at all.
Someone gave me a comment telling me to make little things that the protagonist sees on the plane a reminder of something in the past. I liked this idea and it helped me move the plot along and connect pieces of his characterization to show how he would react in a plane crash. I like this idea because it doesn't keep the story chronological and forces the reader to pay attention to what is happening.
ReplyDelete"Your character seems like a complete psychopath. But, you should try to explain his childhood and why he may be as crazy as he is."
ReplyDeleteThis comment helped me develop my character further as well as helped me get a feel and create new ideas for my story. My goal is to make my character cringe worthy and his childhood as well.
"Maybe we could hear more from the girl so we can understand her motives better, and know where she is coming from."
ReplyDeleteBoth comments discussed improving the main character which helped me focus and progress my story more.
"You leave open a lot of room for interpretation, which could be a good thing. That can make various people relate to such a difficult story. Great writing!"
ReplyDeleteComments conveyed an interest in the story although in a normal-ish environment but with a character and situation that made the story challenging and difficult. With a few minor grammar mistakes I was able to revise the piece.
"I love that your story is funny, but i think you need to develop your characters a little better.Make it clear through their personality why they act the way they do."
ReplyDeleteThis comment helped me develop my characters better by sharing outside info about them and gave me ideas on how to complete my story. This comment helped me give the reader a better view on my main character along with the narrator.
"I like the way your narrator clearly has an opinion and a relationship with Lyla, but you could make it clearer by adding more narrator POV towards the end of the story. Also, who is your narrator? The first person POV of the narrator is a little confusing bc it’s almost hearing about the story from someone who wasn’t there"
ReplyDeleteThis helped me identify that I needed to add more to my story. I have a whole backstory to my narrator that only I am aware of. This tells me my story isn't over because I need to make my story more clear.
she's a crazy person! You've already done this really well, but maybe make her even more absurd. The more absurd the better, and also it will make more sense, surprisingly
ReplyDeleteI was told that the character could be more far-fetched. Taking that as more bizarre, I just made her sense of judgement even poorer
“this was really interesting because you start the story off with Roxy seeming very shy and mellow, and this sudden outburst of anger allows us to see your character as a multifaceted human being”
ReplyDeleteWith the comments I received, I focused my characterization by editing down my beginning and clarifying subtle details that point to qualities that would later become apparent. Knowing that writing this piece is an exercise in short story telling, my group's comments helped me to bring up key details about my character earlier in my narrative. Without the long build up, I was able to consolidate a number of rambling plot limes into one cohesive story.
"can this be a root of an insecurity? How does he feel about himself? as compared to how does others see him?"
ReplyDeleteThis comment made me think a lot more deeply about my character than I originally did and made me consider how I want to convey him to the readers.
Winston’s misconception of “unconditional love” allows his relationship with Julia to crumble under the pressure of the party, demonstrating how the belief in something impure can be broken in ways real love can not be. Winston believed that he had real, unconditional love with Julia since their feelings for eachother started to develop fast. When starting his relationship with Julia, Winston had animalistic instincts towards her that brought many sexual desires and encounters. But as their relationship went on, Winston’s started to have the misconception that he actually has unconditional love with her. For instance, while Winston was looking at the paperweight, it is described as “through the surface of the glass had been the arch of the sky, enclosing a tiny world with its atmosphere complete” (Orwell 147). In unconditional love, there is no selfish or hidden desires that causes harm to loved ones. Because Winston has selfish desires, he starts saying that Julia “has become a physical necessity, something that he not only wanted but felt that he had a right to” (Orwell 139). This is not a form of unconditional love since this type love doesnt have people feeling that they have the right to own another person. It is shown here that Winston has selfish desires hidden under the lie about his belief that he has “unconditional love” with Julia.
ReplyDeleteThe paper weights glass transparency demonstrates the clarity of unconditional love when protected external forces in order to keep it pure and untainted from selfishness. The paperweight holds a world where it is very simple to see inside. When looking at the paperweight, Winston observes, “the inexhaustibly interesting thing was not the fragment of coral but the interior of the glass itself [where there] was so much depth...and yet it was almost as transparent as air ” (Orwell 147). This glass of the interior is a shield protecting the fragment of cora where nothing harmful can come and try to attack it. The glass paperweight reveals similarity to unconditional love, where all actions in this love are transparent and demonstration of hidden desires.
-jolien's story
" you need to work own sharpening your character"
ReplyDeleteThis really helped me reevaluate who my main character was and how I could better portray him in my stories. It also made me realize that I had some inconsistencies regarding what my character would actually do.
Comment: "I love how your character is clearly in a rough place and has internal battles with themselves, but I think you should use more poetic devices to improve showing this, like repetition."
ReplyDeleteThis helped the development of my narrative because in trying to add more reputation into my writing to portray the characters indecisiveness with themselves, I also managed to involve the voice of my character in it and their thoughts. I feel like this gives the reader a better chance of being able to connect with the character on a deeper level especially if they're experiencing the same thing.
"I think it would be very interesting to see what the character says vs what's going on in his mind and if he is really expressing the way he feels."
ReplyDeleteI added some dialogue for the character to show that he doesn't say whats on his mind, he just says what his wife wants to hear.